By the comedian Jim Gaffigan, from his appearance on the CBS morning show last weekend.
I would like to make a plea here: Can we get rid of Valentine’s Day as a holiday?
I know it’s February and most of the country could use a distraction from the fact that winter may never end, but the best we can do is Valentine’s Day?
Valentine’s Day is a holiday about love. We have to cram love into one day. Have we become that self-absorbed as a culture that we have to set aside one day a year to remember to love someone?
“Oh, that’s right, I should let my wife know I love her.”
If you need the reminder, it’s probably too late.
Will you be my Valentine? What does that even mean? Who was this Saint Valentine, anyway? I assume the patron saint of bad gifts, because that’s how we express our love on Valentine’s Day. I’m sure I’m not alone in finding those Pajamagram commercials just creepy. [“I ordered you some PJs over the Internet.”]
We also give greeting cards on Valentine’s Day. How personal!
“I guess that’s something I’d say — I’ll just add my name here. See what that other person wrote about how I feel about you?”
You could also give your Valentine a heart-shaped box filled with those gamble chocolates. Have you ever eaten a chocolate from one of those boxes with any confidence?
“Darn, I got the one filled with toothpaste. Now I have to eat another nine to get rid of that flavor.”
Or those tiny heart-shaped chalk antacids:
“I know I make you nauseous. Here’s a Tums with “hug me” written on it.”
When you’re single, Valentine’s Day is brutal. It’s a reminder that you are alone. Here is a day to celebrate love and romance, that thing absent in your life. Singles on Valentine’s Day are the vegans at the steakhouse. [“Boy, everyone sure seems to be enjoying their steak.”]
Valentine’s Day isn’t much better when you are part of a couple. I am happily married, but I view Valentine’s Day as another opportunity for me to fail.
For my family, for my friends and relatives, it becomes a litmus test on the status of my relationship:
“That’s what you got her for Valentine’s Day? Pretty typical.”
Well, how about this? I’m announcing right here on the CBS “Sunday Morning” show that I love you, Jeannie Gaffigan. Will you be my valentine?
That’s good, right? Hopefully.
Maybe I should order the Pajamagrams …
Happy Valentine’s Day